I applaud you for your courage and honesty in sharing your story. And for your efforts which are so evident. It takes a lot of bravery to acknowledge any form of flaw that we identify with ourselves, especially when it’s so entangled with our identity so again, kudos to you. I’m a black man who at times finds the 'blackness' in my world not to the extent it once was. That’s largely due to socioeconomics. But it can mean I’m sometimes more exposed to and can see the social conditioning that causes black people to accept any self-loathing. Although the honesty you’ve shown in this is what’s necessary to address that. Solidarity and respect for this and feel free to reach out to me.